Gay pride (and prejudice)

At 11:55 last night -- only days before New York's Gay Pride Parade commemorating the 42nd anniversary of the birth of the gay rights movement -- the state became the largest in the nation to approve same-sex marriage.

Gay men and lesbians throughout the country rejoiced at a further recognition that they are equal to any other person regardless of whom they love. What a victory for all those individuals who grew up being told that there was something wrong with them.

Well, yes and no.

Here are some of the comments gay men and lesbians read or saw continually during June, the month of pride:

Same-sex marriage is "unjust and immoral" and poses "an ominous threat" to society (New York Archbishop Timothy Dolan). It will lead to "anarchy" (former New York Giants receiver David Tyree). We should not encourage "sodomites" who are "spreading sin, disease, deviancy, and a higher suicide rate" (Torah Jews for Decency, oblivious to the fact that comments like theirs are what lead to a higher suicide rate). And let's not forget comedian Tracy Morgan's infamous rant that he would stab his son to death if he were to come out as gay.

Imagine being a gay man or lesbian and hearing these comments from religious leaders, celebrities and sports heroes. Or walking in the Gay Pride Parade past "godly" people carrying signs proclaiming that AIDS is God's punishment for homosexuality. It's easy to dismiss these outrageous rants, but what about the subtle messages LGBT individuals get every day.

Imagine the guilt and hurt of knowing your parents, though accepting, blame themselves for your sexual orientation -- since, clearly, someone must be to blame. Or steering conversations at work away from what you did over the weekend for fear that coming out might hurt your career. Or to be a gay man who is afraid to hold his son's hand in public for fear of being reported for child abuse.

Remarkable progress has been made in the 42 years since the Stonewall riots. Yet nine out of ten LGBT students report experiencing harassment and nearly two-thirds of them feel unsafe in school. The incongruities are astounding -- young people are coming out far earlier then ever, yet suicide related to homosexuality remains the second leading cause of death among youth. For the first time, public opinion polls show that a majority of Americans support same-sex marriage and New York joins five states and the District of Colombia in allowing it. Yet 39 states and the federal government (through The Defense of Marriage Act) specifically ban same-sex marriage. Several more outlaw gay people from adopting or becoming foster parents because of the "risk" they pose to children born to crack addicts and dangerously abusive parents. And the Tennessee State Senate recently passed a bill that made it illegal to even discuss homosexuality in any school prior to ninth grade.

The more things change, the more homophobia remains ingrained.

Three decades after the psychiatric Diagnostic and Statistical Manual belatedly removed homosexuality as an illness, I still sometimes treat men and women tormented by their same-sex attraction; adults and adolescents disowned by family or forced to go to counselors not to treat their shame and depression but to change their sexual orientation. I also see many lesbians, gay men and bisexual patients who are out, open and proud, and supported by friends and family.

Homophobia will never be eradicated. We all grow up in a heterosexual society usually in straight families. Sometimes we forget to examine our own subtle fears and assumptions. A couple of years ago, I taught a course in Gender and Sexuality to a group of open-minded psychotherapists. Several people wanted to know what caused homosexuality. Could it be the result of childhood sexual abuse? I noted that no one wanted to know what caused heterosexuality. Could sexual abuse make someone straight? As psychotherapists, when we are sitting with heterosexual patients, do we ever think to wonder about how their sexual orientation affects them?

We should. The difference between homosexuality and heterosexuality is not that one is normal and the other not, it is that one is the unquestioned norm and the other can be a frightening threat.

So let's celebrate the actions of the New York Legislature and Gov. Mario Cuomo. But let's also remember the words of a man celebrating outside the Stonewall Inn where the gay rights movement began: "We are there, finally, but we are not all the way there; this is only one step."
-- Eric Sherman, LCSW

Ain't It Peculiar...Ain't It a Shame?

by Sally Rudoy

As I was on the treadmill at the gym the other day I was listening to my iPod. Set on random shuffle mode, the iPod tossed up a sequence of songs remarkable for their coherence of theme. To my aerobic mind, the internal DJ of my iPod that day was moved to comment on the perplexing irony of couple-hood. Why do we hurt the ones we love? Why do we stay too long in relationships that are no good for us? In short, why does love stink?

Working with couples psychoanalytically I look for themes, patterns of interactions, attachment styles, and the ways in which a couple interpersonally regulate affect. I try to communicate these observations to the couple with a jargon free, lively language that, I hope, will reverberate with the deepest levels of their experience of how they give and receive love.

iPod-tethered as I was there on that belt to nowhere, I realized I could never articulate the conundrum of love more viscerally than those that were serenading my aimless journey. Two "ainty" songs coincidently played in a row. They captured the pattern familiar to songwriters and couple’s therapists alike of loving someone who is depriving or downright cruel.

For your consideration, I submit Marvin Gaye’s version of "Ain’t that Peculiar" and the B52’s, "Ain't it a Shame.” Click on the links below to hear the songs. Read along with the printed lyrics. Ain’t they got it right?

AIN’T THAT PECULIAR sung by Marvin Gaye

(William "Smokey" Robinson/Marvin Tarplin/Robert Rogers/Warren Moore)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CfpzePp5y8s

Honey you do me wrong but still I’m crazy about you

Stay away too long and I can't do without you

Every chance you get you seem to hurt me more and more

But each hurt makes my love stronger than before

I know flowers go through rain

But how can love go through pain?

Ain't that peculiar

A peculiar ality

Ain't that peculiar baby

Peculiar as can be

You tell me lies that should be obvious to me

I've been so much in love with you baby till I don't wanna see

That the things you do and say are designed to make me blue

It's a dog gone shame my love for you makes all

Your lies seem true

But if the truth makes love last longer

Why do lies make my love stronger?

Ain't that peculiar

Peculiar as can be

Ain't that peculiar baby

Peculiar ality

I cried so much just like a child that’s lost its toy

Maybe baby you think these tears I cry are tears of joy

A child can cry so much until you do everything they say

But unlike a child my tears don't help me to get my way

I know love can last through years

But how can love last through tears?

Ain't that peculiar

A peculiar ality

Ain't that peculiar baby

Peculiar as can be

Ain’t It a Shame B-52s

http://www.4shared.com/audio/-riB68Om/07_The_B-52s_Aint_It_A_Shame.html

(Cindy Wilson, Ricky Wilson, Keith Strickland)

Flying saucers could land

And it wouldn't make much difference to my man

I could walk aboard and thank the lord

And leave this damn town in seconds flat

Check my bags and never come back

Oh, our love is

Like a fuse that's burned out

Oh, our love is

Like a fuse that's burned out

Oh, I've been unkind

Not like you

Ain't I ashamed

Being misused

Oh, our love is

Like a fuse that's burned out

Oh, our love is

Like a fuse that's burned out

I liked your Chevy Duster

I liked your brand new trailer

I liked your color TV

But you looked at that color TV

More than me

More than me

Oh, our love is

Like a fuse that's burned out

Oh, our love is

Like a fuse that's burned out

Weinergate -- and America's problem with sex

What is it with politicians and their... you thought I was going to say "wieners" didn't you?

When Anthony Weiner joined a growing list of sextroverts that includes Arnold Schwarzenegger, John Edwards, Bill Clinton, Eliot Spitzer, John Ensign, Newt Gingrich, Larry Craig, Mark Sanford -- help me out, I feel like I'm forgetting 20 or 30 -- it said a mouthful about men, power and our society's complicated relationship with sexuality.

What fascinates me is not the fact that each man strayed; I care a lot more about public policy than private peccadilloes. Rather, what stood out was the stunning poor judgment, the hypocrisy, the insensitivity to loved ones, the belief that each man was somehow too powerful to be caught, and especially the ridiculous denials.

And it's not just politicians with roaming eyes and stunning lies. Sports stars (hold that Tiger!), celebrities, musicians and other outsized rich and famous folk are forever being caught with their pants down in the most stunning fashion. And America can't get enough of it. What does this say about men, power, powerful men, and our country's contradictory Puritanical/pubescent attitudes toward sex?

The fact that the laundry list Lotharios is made up exclusively of men says as much about both women's continued exclusion from power, as it does about the attitudes of the genders toward sexuality. At the risk of getting all "Men Are from Mars" on you, for many males, sex is a way to exhibit potency, prowess and control. The phallus is the ultimate symbol of masculine power. Rape, as we know, is not so much a sexual act as one of domination, aggression and humiliation.

While for many women sex is a vehicle to express vulnerability and foster intimacy, for men, it can be a means of denying those same potentially shameful feelings. (Women, for their part, may shy away from the more healthfully aggressive sides of sex, although I hesitate to make pathologizing generalizations.)

Just like anger can be vitalizing for someone riddled with depression or insecurity, I have worked with many sex addicts (the vast majority of whom are men) who report that sexual conquests, particularly with someone with whom they do not feel warmly attached, can temporarily abate feelings of emptiness.

Professions like politics and sports that thrust men into the spotlight attract those starving for power and adulation. In a word: narcissists. Their hunger for power and acknowledgment must be fed with the regularity of penguins at the zoo. Admiring young interns, groupies and hangers-on not only fit the bill, but are eager to have their own needs for recognition met by attaching to powerful others, which may be why so many political wives stand by their husbands.

Additionally, America has a hard time talking about sex. More than ever, titillating messages bombard us through an ever-expanding world of media -- from Twitter to tabloids to sexting. Sex sells and makes us squirm at the same time. And so we talk about sex (when we talk about it all) out of both sides of our mouths. It makes us giggle because we equate it with being dirty. And it's pretty hard for many couples to bring what's dirty into the bedroom -- instead it gets acted out outside. The message: sex in relationships is loving but boring. Outside, it's girls gone wild!

Any pre-adolescent can log on to a porn site, yet try to introduce sex education into the schools and parents become livid. Despite its being all around us, sex remains taboo. How else to explain why so many men have affairs and sexual dysfunction at the same time.

As a psychoanalyst with an interest in sexuality, I understand the importance of psychodynamic psychotherapy in this area. Sex -- dirty, clean, and in between -- should be a healthy part of life. When complicated, shameful feelings can get put into words rather than actions, they can be better incorporated into our everyday existence.

And that can be pretty sexy.

-- Eric Sherman, LCSW

3 minute video explaining the benefits of Psychoanalysis

This little movie, composed by Australian artists and circulated around the world, is a good way of describing briefly how psychoanalysis can be helpful beyond medication treatment. We hope you’ll forgive its awkwardnesses, and listen to its earnest plea for treatment that goes beyond symptom remission.

http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/11935028/ask-your-doctor-about-psychoanalysis

Men -- and women -- behaving badly (or: Trumping Charlie Sheen)

Just when the train wreck that is Charlie Sheen finally pulled out of Crazy Town, along came an even bigger loco-motive bearing down on our national sanity like ants on a speck of hamburger.

Here he is, the man who hired shamelessness and gave it a comb-over: Donald Trump. He rants! He raves! He announces how very, very proud he is for being caught lying! Like a spoiled child, he wants attention -- lots of attention -- and we give it to him! The more he hogs the spotlight, the more the media throws it on him. Are they reacting to our voyeuristic need to see others getting away with behaving badly, or are they creating it? (Most likely the answer is: c--all of the above.)

The Donald did not give birth to narcissism. In fact, crassness has become a cottage industry.

Take Snooki from "The Jersey Shore" (please!). Or the table-flipping "Real Housewives of New Jersey." (I'm sensing a geographic trend here, and as a resident of The Garden State, I am none too happy.) To paraphrase Charlie Sheen, why are these people winning?

When I was a kid, I would be punished for the kind of behavior reality shows and Fox News now encourage. Today, parents not only tolerate temper tantrums, they indulge them. And their pampered kids grow up to be MTV gawkers -- and reality "stars."

For most of us, poor behavior still has consequences (although in our angry, YouTube society, the bar for what constitutes bad behavior keeps getting lower). Which may be why we reward Snooki, the Kardashians, corporate scoundrels, and pampered music stars. We don't punish them, we idolize them. We applaud their getting away with outlandish behavior, even as we complain about it.

Unconsciously, perhaps we wish we could be Snooki, indulging in whatever we want without getting ostracized, fired, or humiliated. We live vicariously through her, deriving pleasure as she flaunts the rules we can't. We get to feel superior as we mock her crudeness and reassure ourselves of how much smarter, classier, and better coiffed we are. As we laugh at her behind her back, finally we feel like we are getting away with something, since Snooki will never hear us. We get to be bad, too! All the while, we project our own shameful feelings of not being acceptable or smart enough onto her, thereby not having to experience our insecurities ourselves. There is something nice about feeling holier than thou. Just ask The Donald.

And if our strange-haired antiheroes ultimately get their comeuppance, all the better. We get to transfer our envy and insecurity onto the next train wreck who hogs the spotlight. For when Trump's tantrum finally fizzles, you can bet another outrageous
narcissist will come along for us to shower with attention.

-- Eric Sherman, LCSW

Fat Stigma: What It Is, How It Hurts

Researchers call it "fat stigma." The disapproving glances from complete strangers. The prospective employer who suddenly loses interest when he meets you face to face, or the person who squeezes into the seat next to you at the movies with evident disgust. And of course: "You would look so nice if you just lost some weight."

According to a recent article in the New York Times, the Western prejudice against fat people is now spreading to developing countries. The article quoted a Mexico City man who groused about riding the city's crowded buses.

"The fatties," he said, "take up a lot of space."

Imagine what it's like to be on the receiving end of that kind prejudice every day. As a person who lost 50 pounds a few years ago, I have some understanding of what it's like to be heavy in a society where you can never be too rich or too thin. The sense of shame a fat person feels when they look in the mirror is only intensified by the negative reaction of others.

As our society continues to get heavier, our fashion models -- and our tolerance -- keep growing thinner. Tabloids drool over the weight fluctuations of the Kardashians and other celebrities with relish (excuse the food pun). TVs "Biggest Loser" and its many copycats exploit the obese for ratings while women's magazine covers trumpet "the last diet you will ever need" next to photos of luscious chocolate cake. Love yourself as you are; now lose 30 pounds.

Why do we live in such a fat phobic society? When people respond to the obese with disdain ("Why don't they just exercise?"), it is likely because they themselves feel threatened. Many people look at the overweight and see laziness, poor self-control, and weakness. We all have sides that feel out of control and shameful, self-defeating habits we cannot tame. We may look at fat people and see unpalatable aspects of ourselves. And so we project our fears onto them. I'm not the one who is lazy or out of control, you are. I am not insecure about my looks. By binging on sanctimony, some people get to (temporarily) feel better about themselves -- precisely the kind of solace other folks find it in food.

Body image issues often begin in childhood, with parents who criticize their children's weight and appearance while sometimes giving conflicting messages about food. ("You're not leaving this table until you eat everything on your plate!") Frequently, parents project their own insecurities around body image onto their children, calling them fat and lazy even as they overfeed them.

Because these self-images are so deeply ingrained, all the diets in the world may not be helpful. Physiological and other practical factors are also crucially important, but many people avoid the psychological component because of the fear that lies under the fat. Better to stuff down insecurity than stir up what they fear could be a lot of pain. And so the pain -- and the pounds -- remain.

In therapy, the patient will need to trust the therapist. Particularly if the clinician is thin and appearance-conscious, the person struggling with weight issues may worry about being judged. After all, many overweight people stop seeing doctors because they are lectured and condescended to. In a Yale University study, more than half of the primary care doctors questioned described obese patients as “awkward, unattractive, ugly, and unlikely to comply with treatment.” And these were the sentiments they were willing to share openly.

In order to help the patient feel safe and understood, the therapist must be willing to examine her prejudices and her own issues with weight and body image. She must be attuned to the patient's fears and shame, and any experience of being judged in the treatment.

As the patient continues to feel trusting and supported, the work deepens. The psychoanalytic therapist helps the patient understand and work through his or her feelings of shame and fear. Many people learn early on to find comfort and self-soothing food, the very things they may have needed but didn't get from their parents. In many households, feeding is the only way children feel loved.

One of the goals of therapy is not simply a healthier lifestyle, but helping each person feel good about themselves no matter what the scale says. As a person who has dealt with weight and self-esteem issues, I can proudly say that I've been fat and and I've been thin. And happy is better.

-- Eric Sherman, LCSW

Analyze This II: A Look Inside a Treatment

Linda was distraught. She desperately wanted to get into a fulfilling relationship, but kept ending up with critical, rejecting boyfriends.

"No one wants to be with me," she said, her eyes welling with tears. "There must be something wrong with me."

Linda (a fictitious person for purposes of illustration) was referred to me by her physician, who knew I work psychoanalytically and might therefore help her get to the root of her depression.

I could quickly see why Linda was depressed -- in addition to feeling rejected, she was quite down on herself. As she spoke, she criticized her weight, which she was forever trying to control without success. She also presumed she must not be smart enough for the men she dated. As she spoke, I noticed she said things like, "I know this sounds stupid but..." and "You're going to think this sounds crazy but."

I told Linda that what she said struck me as neither stupid nor crazy, but that the way she put herself down sounded more critical than any of her boyfriends. Linda agreed, yet she looked slightly injured. "Of course," she said. "I knew this was all my fault."

And so we were off. In our very first session, we had already re-created an aspect of her relationship problems, now between the two of us. She had experienced me as a little like her rejecting, critical boyfriends, and she had responded by accepting the blame ("this is all my fault"). From a psychoanalytic perspective, it is not only expected that people re-create their problems in treatment, but that these reenactments are welcomed and utilized. They provide patient and analyst with a unique opportunity in vivo to work through the very unhelpful patterns that the person has come to solve.

With this in mind, I told Linda that I had a sense that she had felt criticized by what I had said, and had blamed herself. How had she experienced my comment? It soon became clear that she had heard me saying she deserved no better than her boyfriends, that I felt it was all her fault. It would never have occurred to her to tell me this, and without even realizing it, she had instead accepted the blame so that she would not upset me. As we continued to explore this, Linda was amazed. She had never considered that she not only attracted, but put up with and maybe even unconsciously (without realizing it) encouraged critical men by taking on both person's insecurities herself.

What was wonderful was that Linda could now recognize this without attacking herself or feeling criticized by me. I noted that she had stopped saying her feelings were
crazy or stupid. She had gone from unconsciously experiencing me like her critical boyfriends to whom she had no choice but submit, to someone who could help her feel better about herself -- precisely what she wanted from a relationship, but on some level felt she did not deserve.

As Linda and I continued to work together, her depression began to lift. It soon became clear where her negative self- image and pattern of choosing contemptuous men had come from. Linda's father was a loving man, but he could be critical and short-tempered. If he had had a bad day at work, he might lash out at Linda, as if his burdens were her fault. This seemed to only reinforce her view that she was lovable only so long as she was perfect, and that she had to work very hard to please men, even if it meant accepting their criticism. Linda's mother, although well-meaning, only reinforced this view. When she knew her husband was in a bad mood, she would become anxious and implore Linda not to provoke her father, also implying that his bad moods were somehow Linda's fault, and that she had to walk on egg shells to make him feel better.

I told Linda that her pattern of diminishing herself before critical men now made a lot of sense. Unconsciously, she still felt she had to agree to make herself the bad one to prop up a critical, insecure man in order to win his love.

By pointing this out, I provided Linda with insight into her own unconscious beliefs -- an important aspect of psychodynamic treatment. Psychoanalysis is the only modality that works with the unconscious -- the way we perpetuate problematic views of ourselves without even knowing we are doing so. Being alert to how we are contributing to our own unhappiness is vitally important. But insight alone is not enough. Psychoanalytic psychotherapy offers something even more important -- opportunities to work through these issues, often re-created with the therapist.

By attending to Linda's relationship issues as they also emerged between us, Linda had a powerful experience of creating a new dynamic with me the midst of familiar expectations. When I sensed that Linda might be injured by something I had said, but felt safer blaming herself than telling me about it, I would tactfully inquire about this. I would wonder if Linda had felt angry with me, and had instead turned the anger against herself through self-blame. Linda was often quite moved at these moments. She learned that she did not have to put her needs aside in order to maintain our relationship, and that is okay to feel angry -- something many women struggle with.

This is how psychoanalytic psychotherapy works -- and what makes it uniquely effective. No other treatment works with unconscious motivations, or utilizes the therapeutic relationship in such a specific, active way. Without recognizing and working through long-standing unconscious patterns, we are doomed to repeat them.

Psychoanalysis provides new experiences within the therapeutic setting that also take hold in the person's outside life. It offers new ways of seeing yourself that can make you feel more in control of your life.

-- Eric Sherman, LCSW