Friday, January 28, 2011
In the days immediately after the Tucson shooting, it looked like the already toxic political atmosphere would only intensify. This frequently happens when a dysfunctional family is upended by a crisis. Each person hunkers down, becoming more entrenched in seeing anyone who does not agree with them as a danger.
So it is hopeful to see that, at least for now, a fragile sense of cooperation has emerged on the political landscape. It is largely symbolic, and the anger is likely to return, but sometimes crises provide unexpected opportunities.
When something traumatic happens -- to a nation, a family, or individual -- it is not always easy to predict what effect the event will have. I have worked with people who disintegrated after a diagnosis of cancer or AIDS, and with others who found a new sense of purpose and serenity. Some of my clients survived brutal childhoods with surprising strength and adaptability, while others become stuck in self-defeating behaviors.
Crises present opportunities to dismantle maladaptive defense mechanisms precisely because they shake us up and demand immediate response. The Chinese symbol for "crisis" consists of two characters -- "danger" and "opportunity."
And yet rigidified coping skills -- developed out of necessity mostly in childhood -- cannot magically be discarded. We created them to protect us from further pain or disappointment. They can become the only way we know to maneuver the world. The key becomes how pervasive and adaptive they are, and how much flexibility there is modify them.
A person who grew up with angry, unpredictable parents might develop a hypervigilant coping style, always on the lookout for danger. He may become flooded with anxiety when faced with smallest adversity.
Someone else with similar parents might become self attacking, punishing herself before anyone else gets a chance. When something goes wrong, she might become so burdened by guilt about her perceived fault in the crisis that she becomes depressed, and unable to cope.
A third person might have dealt with hostile parents by retreating into a world of denial. To this day, he acts as if he has no problems, no negative feelings -- everything will be fine if he just ignores it. In a crisis, his denial may crumble, leaving him flooded with overwhelming feelings. Or his head-in-the-sand coping style may only rigidify, keeping him from acting when decisiveness is called for.
Then again, something else may happen in all three cases. The anxious person may surprise himself by acting in a proactive manner that challenges his view of himself as weak. The guilt-ridden depressive might finally "snap," and allow herself to get angry at someone who is causing her harm, rather than turn it toward herself. The denier might somehow be able to face the situation around him, while maintaining just enough denial to keep him from being flooded. He, too, may find he has more strength than he imagined.
Why does one person collapse while another soars? Some of it has to do with specific factors in early childhood -- what events took place that were out of the child's hands? How did parents help or hinder the child from processing overwhelming information? What are the person's innate personality factors, present at birth and then shaped by the environment? What outside resources does the person have in the present to help him cope with the crisis? Supportive family, friends and community resources can have enormous impact. Psychotherapy can help a person get through the crisis, make sense of what has happened and use it as an opportunity for long-term growth.
As Gabrielle Giffords continues her remarkable recovery, my wish for everyone reading this is that you have the opportunity to face some much more tolerable adversity, some small failure. Challenges can be a blessing. Whoever came up with the Chinese symbol for crisis was a brilliant person, indeed.
-- Eric Sherman, LCSW
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Last night President Obama called on all of us, in the wake of the Tuscon shooting, to "sharpen our instincts for empathy." He was speaking at the memorial for the victims and survivors of the tragedy with the goal of stepping aside from policitcal debate and offer words of healing and reflection for the families and the nation. His words speak to the themes we therapists struggle with in our consulting rooms daily: profound loss, trauma, confronting mortality, finding the right message, relationship, family, blame, healing and love to name a few. Excerpted below, are words from his speech that particularly impacted me.
…at a time when we are far too eager to lay the blame for all that ails the world at the feet of those who think differently than we do – it’s important for us to pause for a moment and make sure that we are talking with each other in a way that heals, not a way that wounds...
...You see, when a tragedy like this strikes, it is part of our nature to demand explanations – to try to impose some order on the chaos, and make sense out of that which seems senseless...
...Rather than pointing fingers or assigning blame, let us use this occasion to expand our moral imaginations, to listen to each other more carefully, to sharpen our instincts for empathy, and remind ourselves of all the ways our hopes and dreams are bound together...
...After all, that’s what most of us do when we lose someone in our family – especially if the loss is unexpected. We’re shaken from our routines, and forced to look inward. We reflect on the past. Did we spend enough time with an aging parent, we wonder. Did we express our gratitude for all the sacrifices they made for us? Did we tell a spouse just how desperately we loved them, not just once in awhile but every single day?...
...So sudden loss causes us to look backward – but it also forces us to look forward, to reflect on the present and the future, on the manner in which we live our lives and nurture our relationships with those who are still with us. We may ask ourselves if we’ve shown enough kindness and generosity and compassion to the people in our lives. Perhaps we question whether we are doing right by our children, or our community, and whether our priorities are in order. We recognize our own mortality, and are reminded that in the fleeting time we have on this earth, what matters is not wealth, or status, or power, or fame – but rather, how well we have loved, and what small part we have played in bettering the lives of others...
...That process of reflection, of making sure we align our values with our actions – that, I believe, is what a tragedy like this requires...
and about the death of 9 year old Christina:
...She saw all this through the eyes of a child, undimmed by the cynicism or vitriol that we adults all too often just take for granted...
...I want us to live up to her expectations. I want our democracy to be as good as she imagined it. All of us – we should do everything we can to make sure this country lives up to our children’s expectations.
President Barack Obama, 1/12/11