Sharpening Our Instincts for Empathy

Last night President Obama called on all of us, in the wake of the Tuscon shooting, to "sharpen our instincts for empathy." He was speaking at the memorial for the victims and survivors of the tragedy with the goal of stepping aside from policitcal debate and offer words of healing and reflection for the families and the nation. His words speak to the themes we therapists struggle with in our consulting rooms daily: profound loss, trauma, confronting mortality, finding the right message, relationship, family, blame, healing and love to name a few. Excerpted below, are words from his speech that particularly impacted me.

Sally Rudoy

…at a time when we are far too eager to lay the blame for all that ails the world at the feet of those who think differently than we do – it’s important for us to pause for a moment and make sure that we are talking with each other in a way that heals, not a way that wounds...

...You see, when a tragedy like this strikes, it is part of our nature to demand explanations – to try to impose some order on the chaos, and make sense out of that which seems senseless...

...Rather than pointing fingers or assigning blame, let us use this occasion to expand our moral imaginations, to listen to each other more carefully, to sharpen our instincts for empathy, and remind ourselves of all the ways our hopes and dreams are bound together...

...After all, that’s what most of us do when we lose someone in our family – especially if the loss is unexpected. We’re shaken from our routines, and forced to look inward. We reflect on the past. Did we spend enough time with an aging parent, we wonder. Did we express our gratitude for all the sacrifices they made for us? Did we tell a spouse just how desperately we loved them, not just once in awhile but every single day?...

...So sudden loss causes us to look backward – but it also forces us to look forward, to reflect on the present and the future, on the manner in which we live our lives and nurture our relationships with those who are still with us. We may ask ourselves if we’ve shown enough kindness and generosity and compassion to the people in our lives. Perhaps we question whether we are doing right by our children, or our community, and whether our priorities are in order. We recognize our own mortality, and are reminded that in the fleeting time we have on this earth, what matters is not wealth, or status, or power, or fame – but rather, how well we have loved, and what small part we have played in bettering the lives of others...

...That process of reflection, of making sure we align our values with our actions – that, I believe, is what a tragedy like this requires...

and about the death of 9 year old Christina:

...She saw all this through the eyes of a child, undimmed by the cynicism or vitriol that we adults all too often just take for granted...

...I want us to live up to her expectations. I want our democracy to be as good as she imagined it. All of us – we should do everything we can to make sure this country lives up to our children’s expectations.

President Barack Obama, 1/12/11